ALL I WANTED WAS THAT ONE, SIMPLE, TOUCH… AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING MELTED.
Jay only spends time outside of himself when his will breaks down, and even then, it lasts only moments. Just long enough to realize what it is he’s doing, and the context within which he’s doing it. She’d told him. He’d come expecting some news, surely. They’d talked naturally for almost an hour and he’d mostly forgotten the fear. The need for self-control. It took a non sequitur (Jay should know about those by now, for she’s famous for the blind side) followed by a subtly more difficult swallow, and Jay was floating above the room, watching the cone of light from the fixture hanging over their table wash his wavering profile in dull, lifeless light. Jay saw himself smile, take a drink, say “Oh, awesome…”, and in a ravenous motion, rip a third of his thumbnail off with his teeth. It began to bleed. Jay could see himself sitting across from her, hiding his thumb under his palm, trying to save face. Trying to have something to say to move forward, to bring his body back together. She smiled. Jay wanted only to be able to reach down with his phantom hands and drive his own head through the plaster wall to finish what she’d started.
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